lies not in never falling,
but in rising every time we fall."
R.I.P. Mandela. You will always be one of my heroes and an extraordinary example to many.
5 months ago..
June 29, 2013. I feel as though I am blocked. Stuck in time, in some sort of trance. Unable to move forward. Each day passing me by, wasted, with me still living in the past. Still trying to hold on to the last of those feelings that felt right and made sense to me. Now nothing really makes sense and my feelings merely fluctuate between emptiness and agonising heartache.
Have I accepted this horrible thing that has happened to me? This deception which I didn’t see coming? I don’t really think I have. It hurts and I still feel so much anger boiling up inside of me. How could he do this to me? Worse of all, how dare he fucking make proclamations of love to me to then just quit and throw in the towel the moment trouble started to brew? The moment I needed someone to be there for me, more than anything?
Down in my pit of depression, where no one would join me. Knowing there was no way to make him understand, no matter how many words came out of my mouth, no matter how hard I tried to vocalise it. How can you really explain something you don’t understand completely yourself? I had just hoped that he would be patient, wait for me to come through the other side. To be me again. I needed him to hold my hand and reassure me that everything would be okay in the end. Let me know it was all in my head and that all the horrible things I repeatedly tell myself are not absolute truths.
But instead he left me to drown, as the waves crashed over me and dragged me further out into the ocean (metaphorically). I’m still struggling for air, floating under the murky waters of my twisted emotions and tainted memories. How the fuck do I get out of this misery that I’ve created for myself, especially when the one I loved decided I was not worth saving?
It’s been nearly four months and I have not heard a single word from him. It’s as if he wanted to erase me from his life entirely. You dedicate so many years of your life to someone and you give it your all, but it never ceases to amaze me how cold-hearted people can be with that love that you give to them when they don’t think it’s good enough.
Well, I suppose what matters is that I know I tried.
— Sally Brampton, Shoot The Damn Dog (via depression-is-a-liar)